#2048 Tone and Pace
Tone and Pace
I watch people a lot. I especially watch the way they communicate with one another. It’s super interesting.
Have you ever seen a car aggressively driving too close to another car, weaving in and out of traffic, or accelerating up the right shoulder to pass improperly, and then held your breath, anticipating a crash?
It’s often like that for me when I watch folks communicate. Sometimes they open their mouths too close to the end of another’s sentence. Sometimes they’re obviously bothered by a question either because of the question itself or how it was asked, and you can see it in their erratic body postures and facial expressions before they give an obnoxious answer.
Just as often, you’ll see a non sequitur come out of nowhere, usually because someone was in their own head rather than the conversation and needs to rush their point out before it’s their turn.
By far, the biggest (and easiest to fix) miscue I see is disregard for pace and tone. This past week I watched a woman in conversation with her partner trying to work out a logistical issue. She was clearly trying to put the pieces together and speaking in measured sentences. The partner, however, answered literally, on the heels of every question and comment she made.
I could see the woman’s face react each time. The partner would leap to a conclusion, and she would draw her head back slightly, squint a bit, and purse her lips. The partner saw none of this (or didn’t care) and continued mismatching the tone, pace, and mood the woman was conversing at.
Needless to say, like that car wreck I brace for when I see aggressive driving, I held my breath, waiting for the conversational crash. It was ugly.
Some people tell me that they shouldn’t have to adjust their conversational style for anyone. They tell me they are bringing “their authentic self” to the conversation and that should suffice. That is an understandable notion, but naïve. I’d ask them: what’s your tone like when you speak with a three-year-old? How is your conversational pace when you visit your ninety-five-year-old grandmother?
I’d bet they’re not the same tone and pace you employ when speaking to a client, spouse, hospital administrator, DMV clerk, police officer, manager, or subordinate. The child and elderly examples are easy. Anyone can relate to that difference. But what about an employee you want to get more work out of or the client with an issue? If you want to communicate effectively – charismatically- you’ll pay attention to tone and pace. Matching these two simple elements of communication is like having the right lighting and music for your party. It increases the chances that everyone involved with you will have a better outcome.
Getting back to the authentic-self argument, I can only say that matching pace and tone with my conversational partner IS my authentic self. So is asking good questions and being genuinely interested in the answers.
There is nothing disingenuous about having an awareness of conversational techniques and employing is like using WD-40 for a stuck hinge.
Matching pace and tone is one of the easiest to adopt.
Don’t let your communications crash. Don’t blame the other person's bad driving and poor judgment; take the wheel and steer your conversations safely to the end of the road.