#2047 Frankie from NY…NOT
I remember way back when I was starting to study NLP, communication, persuasion, influence, negotiation, et al and I had a bad encounter with a store clerk. It involved a refund and the store’s policy. I tried to persuade, I cajoled, and I made a convincing argument. All to no avail. The clerk was adamant regarding the store policy. Finally, I lost my cool, and Frankie from NY took up the argument. That was the tipping point, and the clerk acquiesced. I remember thinking I was really clever when I said, “Why is it that I have to become an A-hole before you do what you should have done in the first place? Thus, justifying my abhorrent behavior and conveniently laying it off on the clerk.
Fortunately, I’ve found great books, mentors, and courses since then to help me evolve into a more effective communicator. There was nothing clever about observing that brutishness and bullying won the day. My later observation, somewhat down the road, was that I didn’t have the tools to get to the conclusion I sought. Without those tools, I resorted to my neighborhood teachings, which essentially consisted of “I can kick your ass so I’m right.”
Years of study have taught me how lazy the neighborhood approach is.
Parents use this approach all the time. I won’t get into parenting philosophies here or what kinds of explanations and disciplines might make sense at what age. (These are individual choices, and I am no expert)
Suffice it to say that “Because I said so” is the parental equivalent of my neighborhood’s school of thought.
The laziness I’m referring to resides in the ease of giving in to baser emotions. It takes zero thought and no effort to F-bomb your way into getting what you want.
This week I have had to manage care for my mom and dad, who were in an accident and hospitalized. The bureaucracy and lack of availability of hospital staff can be frustrating. One may certainly park themselves in front of the nurse’s station and scream bloody murder, and that might get some attention. But how does it feel? Is it really satisfying for an enlightened person? What are the longer-term results of that strategy? What happens when you leave, and your loved one is there overnight, with the folks you just verbally bludgeoned?
It is often said that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but just as often the squeaky wheel gets punctured when it isn’t looking.
Patience, real empathy, understanding, and high-mileage questions build rapport, and rapport beats the squeak. It takes significantly longer to get there, but the good outcomes last significantly longer, too.
Back to my folks: Understanding the demands put on the nurses and asking questions that show collaboration to get the help I need for Mom and Dad has helped to deliver the care we want and have it delivered with CARE.
When my siblings and I leave for the night, our parents benefit from the approach we took to getting things done. I’m not sure that if we were boorish, there might not be a vindictive worker making things tougher for our folks when we aren’t looking.
I’m continuing to learn and to extend my patience. I’ve been challenged during this process when apathy, lack of available resources or information, and bureaucracy butt up against the ticking clock when treatments or meds must be scheduled. I admit I’ve reached into the bag and felt around for “Frankie from New York” in moments of extreme frustration but never took him out. In those frustrating, emotionally charged moments when we don’t give in, one can look back and see their emotional growth expand like the Grinch’s heart did when Whoville broke out in song.
Rapport, Rapport, Rapport. As I’ve said repeatedly, learning these skills will do more for your relationships, career, bank balance, and health than any other set of skills you can learn.
It begins with taking a breath before a request to recognize the person in front of you and take an interest in them first. This connects you and lets you collaborate in a way that gets things done for both of you without stress, accusations, or contention. As I said, it takes much longer, and the patience required to begin building rapport when you have an urgent request is tough to muster, but the approach will produce better outcomes. Absolutely, positively, guaranteed.
Own your sales gene…