#2023 Born This Way?
I’ve spent much of my career trying to understand what is meant by Charisma. I’ve learned much of the science and continue to observe, read about, and practice those concepts. Last week, I said my life emanates outwardly from me. It’s interesting, then, that presence is at the center of Charisma.
Presence, or being where your feet are, requires giving all your attention to the moment. When speaking about charismatic people, presence is what draws us to them. They make us feel like we are the only one in the room and that what we have to say is so interesting that they want more! They listen and ask deep follow-up questions.
The idea of life emanating from me and moving outward, and the idea of presence, may seem to butt heads. I assure you that they do not. Beneath the surface, it is my intention that allows me to be present.
Last week, I wrote about a person I did not care for. I had to work closely with her and dreaded every interaction. I used to say, “She adds a degree of difficulty to everything she touches.” Then, I decided to like her. Nothing about her had changed; I just decided to like her. The “liking” emanated from me. After deciding to like here, I was present with her. I looked at her with kind eyes and stayed present when she spoke. Because I had decided to like her ahead of time, I found her interesting and began to ask deeper follow-up questions. Over time, we developed a genuine friendship.
I didn’t invent the idea of a good life being inside-out, nor was I the first to believe I could decide to like someone. These are learned concepts and subsequently learned behaviors.
Charisma, from the Greek Kharisma, meaning divine gift, is anything but a gift. Many people today feel the same way about Charisma – that it is a gift. We often look upon charismatic people with a bit of awe, admiration, and a touch of envy.
As my good friend Dr. Rob always reminds us, “You can do whatever anyone else can do as long as you have their strategy.”
Charisma is a specific set of skills that we can practice. Before you begin to object and talk about things like shyness, confidence, or intellect, I must assure you that this is science, not my opinion.
Yes, some people can take to this practice more easily than others, but this is not because they were born with better skills; it is because their life experience was richer, with greater access to these skills.
If my dad were a plumber, I’d likely be better at snaking a drain than the average homeowner. I wasn’t born with mad snaking skills; I lived in an environment that allowed me to acquire those skills passively as I observed them more than the average kid.
Charisma is no different. If one feels less apt to be charismatic or that the hill to learning looks steep, it is only because of less exposure early, but that ground is easily made up.
Practicing something with intention always yields better results than using passively acquired skills occasionally. (Remember the tortoise and the hare?)
Here are four key tips to becoming more charismatic:
Listen actively. Maintain eye contact and use facial expressions that convey how well you are listening.
Focus outwardly. It is natural to want to relate with a story of your own. Charismatic people allow folks to shine and only sprinkle in their own stories after hearing others.
Smile with warmth. The best way to do this is to decide ahead of time that you like the person you’re speaking to.
Look for real reasons to say something nice. Those reasons are always there; they just take focus.
So who cares? Who needs to be charismatic? Why not just be “your authentic self,” as I hear so many people say today? Practicing Charisma is not a departure from who you are; it is an enhancement.
Before we go out to a nice event, we think about what shirt looks good. We choose the right shoes and groom ourselves. Why not show up like we just rolled out of bed? Isn’t that “our authentic self?” In much the same way, practicing Charisma is like picking out a nice outfit and brushing your hair.
We all move through the world needing to persuade others to help us along on our way. It may be formal, like in business when we need others to part with resources to further our projects, or it may be a store clerk who will be more inclined to help you because of this practiced approach.
The truth is that charismatic people move people into alignment more often and more easily, and unless you are a rich recluse, moving people into alignment is an everyday occurrence. Why not learn to grease those wheels?
Own Your Sales Gene…