#1176 Can We Talk?
Every meaningful conversation involves countless small choices. Those choices are made in nanoseconds and prompted by scant bits of information gleaned from scads.
I liked how that sounded (how often do you get to alliterate and use scads?)
But in simple terms, a great conversationalist/listener employs all their senses and subconsciously filters mountains of information.
They see eye movements, heads moving slightly forward or back, veins showing, color changes, fingers drumming, feet crossing, nostrils flaring, chest and belly breathing, hands or fingers covering necks, eyes, and mouths.
They see nods, tilts, and smiles, with and without teeth, that reach or fall short of the eyes. They hear word choice and the order of words. They hear tone, pace, and volume. They pair facial cues with tones and words and even mirror language that is primarily visual, gustatory, or auditory.
All of this happens while staying in the conversation, like noticing the traffic on a five-lane highway and processing the movement of vehicles next to you or six cars away without diverting attention from the primary steering and pedal functions.
Masters of communication do this seamlessly. They are unconsciously competent, but they weren't always. This is a learned skill.
The levels of learning are:
1. Unconscious Incompetence
"You don't know what you don't know."
· You are unaware of the skill or knowledge, and your lack of proficiency.
· Example: A new salesperson doesn't realize how crucial listening skills are in sales and thinks they’re supposed to talk folks into things.
2. Conscious Incompetence
"You know what you don't know."
· You become aware of the skill gap.
· This is where frustration often begins—but it's a critical stage for growth. You know the skill, but can’t quite employ it yet.
· Example: That salesperson hears a good sales call and realizes they're not doing it that way, but continues to talk too much on sales calls.
3. Conscious Competence
"You can do it, but you have to think about it."
· You are able to perform the skill, but it takes effort and concentration.
· This is the practice phase. You’re doing it, but aren’t completely engaged because you must consciously think about listening and when to talk.
· Example: The salesperson begins actively listening, taking notes, and structuring conversations, but it takes their focus away from the nuances of the conversation.
4. Unconscious Competence
"You do it without thinking."
· The skill becomes second nature.
· You're on autopilot, but with excellence.
· Example: The experienced salesperson instinctively reads customer cues, adapts, and asks the kinds of questions that lead to consensus with the buyer.
Some folks start this process at the starting line, while others have some of this innately. Personally, I am still working on it. To be candid, I started well behind the starting line. Oblivious would be a good description of my earlier days. I didn't read a room well or pick up cues in a conversation that others noticed. I enrolled in the NLP Practitioner training for precisely that reason. Just getting to the starting line took me a lot of time and practice. Over time, I have been able to incorporate a lot of what I've learned to become more intuitive, but it is an ongoing process. I know people to whom this comes more naturally. They may not consciously see a hand to the throat and think, "Oh, that movement usually means the person is uncomfortable or threatened." They aren't noticing movements per se and translating. They simply understand the language behind the language. This is mastery.
Tuning in without distraction is a great start. To listen without judgment or advice is a conscious decision at the start of a conversation and will help you to open up these other pathways to hear beyond words. Then, the conversational choices become more apparent, and you can make them to gain greater understanding. As Nietzsche said, “The end of the melody is not it’s goal.”
Own Your Sales Gene…