#2039 The Carrot and the Stick
“If a man is not content with what he has, he will not be content with what he wishes to have.” Epictetus
I believe this…BUT…
This is a struggle for me. It isn’t so much that I don’t understand how contentedness and ambition can coexist. It’s more about the internal dialogue that drives them.
I have always been happier than not. I have always consciously focused on the upside of every situation. It was and is a conscious practice for me. I believe my DNA leaned toward positivity, but my focused personal development practice cemented it. I’ve read a bunch about the science of happiness and have put into practice much of what I’ve learned through that study. Still, the part that eludes me is the idea of contentedness and self-appreciation. I struggle with the newer notions of “holding space for oneself” and believing we are all doing the very best we can. I understand the inherent destruction that can come from self-flagellation, but I don’t agree that everyone should get a trophy.
I’ve spent a lot of time battling my inner drill sergeant and even teaching him some manners, but I never fired him.
I don’t know how to achieve anything without being a little dissatisfied with the status quo. As I said, I get how I can be content with what I have while striving for more, but does content mean completely satisfied?
If I eat a big meal, my appetite is completely satisfied, so I don’t seek food anymore. So, doesn’t it follow that if I am completely satisfied with my current financial situation, I won’t seek any more money? Wouldn’t it be logical to say that if I am completely content with my physical health, I would only train to maintain it, not to improve it? What about my marriage? Can I be content enough not to further the deep understandings shared by a wife and husband?
I am deeply content. I love my darling bride and am grateful we are still married. I feel good about my finances—about retirement, enjoying life, giving to charity, and feeling secure for the next 30 years, if I am granted that longevity. I am also grateful to feel physically fit for my age and to know I have taken reasonable care of my health. At the same time, Deb and I still have edges that need sanding, and I know deliberate attention is essential to a good relationship. I feel financially secure, yet I am still driven to offer my services for meaningful compensation. I have cared for my body, yet I still see too much fat around my middle and train hard to be in better shape this year than last, despite aging. Does that mean I am not truly content? I do not think so. I believe the answer is nuanced.
Contentedness does not mean stagnation. I think the difference is the inner voice. As I said, I taught my inner drill sergeant some manners, but I didn’t fire him. In my earlier life, that inner voice was brutal and unforgiving. It told me that they were better and that I wasn’t enough. It told me that even if I ran as fast as I could, I would be lucky to keep up. It chastised me for every misstep, miscalculation, and mistake. It shouted me out of my chair and back to work in moments of relaxation. It told me I was an imposter and the real me might be revealed and reviled at any moment.
The work paid off, but the mental anguish sucked.
As I matured and studied, I learned to work hard when necessary, without the frantic fear and cliff-edge thinking that once drove me. I also learned to make the voice in my head more avuncular, which is the heart of my reflection today. Self-discipline and self-love can seem at odds. Modern psychology often promotes self-care and self-compassion as ways to soothe the mental challenges that arise as we strive to achieve. But I do not believe this is a zero-sum game. As I said, I see it as nuanced. I value expecting great effort from myself in the endeavors I pursue. I believe those expectations are healthy—and that having none would be unhealthy. Self-care does not mean beating back ambition every time things get difficult.
We need ambition and goals, and we need to let go of comparison when it’s born of envy. Aspiration can replace envy, and encouragement can replace admonishment. It’s OK to see someone doing things in a way you wish you could and then working toward that vision of yourself, as long as you aren’t relentlessly kicking your own ass for not being there yet.
The vernacular today is “I am enough,” and you are, and you can be more if you decide that enough today isn’t necessarily enough for tomorrow, and you can do that with a smile on your face and song in your heart.
Own Your Sales Gene…