#1186 When You’re a Hammer, Everything Looks Like a Nail
What I like best about my work is the continual study and observation of human communications. The learning is non-stop. Recently, I did two 45-minute podcasts with Mike Reddington and could have done another twenty hours. That's how much I wanted to learn from Mike. Mike is a certified forensic investigator and wrote a book called The Disciplined Listening Method. The title alone is aspirational, and the studies and examples he intertwines with real-life stories are compelling. I practically highlighted the entire book.
A book like Mike's can ruin me for weeks as I try to observe some of what he is teaching and practice the good listening and questioning techniques he taught. I say ruin me because I become consumed by it, and sometimes observe behaviors with too much detachment, almost clinically, when engagement might be called for. (Then someone says, "Frank, are you OK? You look out of it.”)
I had one of those clinical moments a couple of weeks ago. Deb and I were at Costco (I must have done something to upset my karma balance). We arrived at 9:50 and had to wait. Apparently, an elite Costco membership allows one to enter at 9:00 rather than the general public's 10 AM opening, but we have a standard membership.
A few greeters explained to those waiting why some folks were entering while we were waiting. Further, those greeters were upselling the memberships as they explained.
We had no interest in upgrading, but that's not the point. The lab experiment for me was the mixed throng and the barking of one greeter in particular. The ten-minute wait morphed into a dental chair experience as she trumpeted her offer to the crowd in general and individuals at the same tone, pace, and volume without regard to how she was being received.
She could have been selling sideshow tickets for Barnum & Bailey. Ten minutes of her haranguing made the wait feel like an hour.
There were several takeaways from this experience.
Pay attention to how I behave so Karma doesn't put me back in Costco anytime soon. LOL.
No one – literally no one- upgraded with this woman.
The non-verbal responses I observed were
Hand to the ear
Face contortions
Shuffling out of her vicinity
Turning completely away from her
Involuntary hands in front, like making a "stop motion"
Unfortunately, she picked up none of these, or if she did, disregarded them entirely. Had she been a carpenter, the only tool in her toolbox would have been a hammer—no pry bars, smoothing files, or tape measures—just hammers.
I imagined being the CEO of Costco and witnessing this scene. I'd have made an immediate policy change. First, my mom's voice would override the carnival barker and whisper in my ear, "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." I would then set up a coffee bar at 9:30 on Saturday mornings, invite folks to have a cup of coffee while they wait, and have my baristas/greeters extoll the benefits of upgrading the membership while they poured their brews.
I'd also hire a trainer. That woman had great intentions and a few admirable, if misapplied, personality traits. She knew her product and did not fear speaking in public or addressing strangers; both were good. What she lacked was nuance. No one taught her to read a room. Sometimes, shouting to the crowd is the exact right strategy. Sometimes, gathering smaller groups is better; sometimes, more intimate, individual conversations work. Reading body language and facial cues while communicating tells more of the story than the words ever do. This goes for quiet talks with your significant other, telling a story to a group of friends or family, or addressing a crowd with your presentation.
I remember a fabulous demonstration of using nuance in communication from the great actor Tony LoBianco. Alicia and I were visiting Tony at his Upper West Side apartment in Manhattan. (We knew him through his excellent work with Cooley's Anemia Foundation.)
Alicia acted in school plays, and Tony gave her some pointers. At one point, he asked her how she would act if the script called for her to threaten someone. Alicia stood and got big and loud to threaten Tony. He laughed and then turned the tables. They sat, and he inched closer to her. He leaned in, locked eyes with her, and quietly made his threat. The intensity was palpable. Tony's smaller, quieter threat was ten times more menacing than Alicia's loud, demonstrative take.
The master communicator reads in real time and adjusts tone, pace, volume, and body language to match and steer. The amateur reaches for the hammer (or whatever their favorite tool is) without realizing the outcome its use might render.
Own Your Sales Gene