#1191 She Has No Dimmer Switch
Next to listening, the most extraordinary power we can learn is reading. I don't mean Moby Dick, Ulysses, or the latest Stephen King novel; I mean reading people.
This came to mind recently when speaking with a friend about his neighbor. "She exhausts me." He sighed. You'd think being positive and upbeat would be an asset, but I have to tell you, I avoid her. I like her, but I feel like I need a dimmer switch. Like, you know, when you walk into the kitchen in the morning for that first cup of coffee? You can't just flip on all the lights, full-bore. You need to acclimate and let the light come up slowly. That's what it's like with her; too much too soon and too often."
The neighbor, let's call her Lily, is doing her best to be personable. Nobody likes a negative Nellie, right? So why does my friend pull down the shades when he sees Lily walking down the street? Because she doesn't read well. I don't want a motivational speaker on the Hospice floor or a Monk at my pep rally.
There are times to be exuberant and times to be solemn. There are times to talk and times to listen. Sometimes, you can read that a quick hello is called for; other times, you know you must slow down and be a soft ear.
You need to use variable tones, speeds, and stances. You'll want to get very good at instantly, via non-verbal cues, gauging the person or the room, and adjusting to the proper luminosity. Sometimes, I get pushback about fashioning my speech for the listener.
I've had the "authenticity" and "speaking my truth" argument more than once. The belief that adjusting one's way of speaking is somehow inauthentic is not just incorrect; it's ignorant and lazy. The "speaking my truth" movement asserts that as long as what I am saying is my truth, I don't need to consider how I'm saying it, and further that considering my tone, pace, and word choice so that another will receive it better is manipulation.
My answer is "How is that working out for you?"
Great communicators know that authenticity is an inside job. They read people and situations and adjust their stances without subordinating their character.