#2032 Bomb Squad Detail
In the words of Tommy Devito (played by the great Joe Pesce), “I’m funny how? I mean, funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?”
I am adept at defusing tense situations. I often use humor as a trip wire when I see a truculent tirade trundling toward me. A quick quip can change the mood and save a conversation, but – like Tommy - I don’t want to be seen as the court jester. I don’t force light-heartedness when something heavier is needed. Humor is a tool, not a nervous reaction born out of fear.
Sometimes I need to lock eyes with someone who is poisoning the atmosphere and call them on their S.
While that call out is necessarily vehement, it’s never tinged with anger or hate. It is only a truth the speaker is momentarily blinded to while they’re off the rails, and it is delivered with care.
I want to consider what derailed them. Are they embarrassed? Frightened? Insulted or feeling marginalized? Perhaps they’re in physical distress. I look for clues to consider these things so that I can lace my firmly delivered message with compassion.
You see, stirring muddy water won’t make it any clearer. Too often, in an attempt to quell it, anger is met with anger. That’s like trying to put out a fire with a bucket of gasoline. It never works…even when it does.
I can be bigger (in size or position) and louder than you and shut down your loud complaint by being even louder. It worked! Er, not really. Subjugation (as every revolution that ever took place can attest to) is not a solution; it’s just temporary peace and lazy communication.
Sometimes someone who is upset will respond to a little humor. It can create a brief moment of self-awareness, allowing them to reconsider and change course. Sometimes they’re too entrenched and only total attention – locked eyes, and the vehement remark can diffuse them.
I was schooled, literally trained, in violent reactions, both verbal and physical. It was how we rolled in my neighborhood. The hierarchy of power was power, and to avoid its usage was to be labeled with any one of a host of derisive monikers meant to connotate weakness.
When I got into the business world, I was woefully unprepared to navigate around bellicose bullies, believing that their titles made them immune to confrontation or retribution. It was the neighborhood all over again, but I was stripped of my combat gear.
Enter NLP. Slowly, I learned to arm myself with many of the tools I offer in this blog. Just as important was to unlearn the youthful responses that were now about as useful as a solar-powered flashlight at a dark campsite.
We all encounter folks who have only one tool in the toolbox: a hammer. We don’t need a bigger hammer to take them on. What we need is sometimes humor, sometimes a look, and sometimes a kinder version of “knock it off.”
Step one is to understand what sparked the anger. Step two is to acknowledge that and demonstrate empathy. Step two is not always verbal. Step two can be “spoken” with my body language and facial expressions while I deliver my message. It’s much easier for someone to comply when they sense care rather than only correction.
In the end, it doesn’t work all the time. Sometimes the proverbial cold glass of water in the face is the only thing that will, well, stop someone cold.
I’m writing about this because I see all too often that anger triggers anger, and that’s a learned behavior that I don’t see as being terribly effective. I see it in business and in families when the receiver feels disrespected and goes into the “I don’t put up with S like this” and launches into their own version of what just upset them. When you think of it like that, does it make any sense at all? Can you imagine a good outcome from the fight-fire-with-fire strategy? I guess, too, it depends on your definition of a good outcome. Subordinated silence is not peace. Do you want to quell the rebellion or create Camelot?
Be smarter. Be more eloquent. Be more EFFECTIVE.
Own your sales gene…