#2030 It’s On Me
I find communication between people fascinating. Misunderstandings, estrangements, and blame abound in a world where we have almost 200,000 words and infinite combinations of those words to choose from. Millions of times each day, people say something with an intention that the listener misunderstands.
People hear things that are unsaid and assume motivation that isn't there.
Folks get duped, disappointed, and bedeviled daily. Intimate partners draw incorrect conclusions from a look, a body posture, or vocal intonation.
Feuds are fueled with inflammatory language and burn for years, scorching long swatches of time where nothing good can grow.
WHY?
I contend that a large percentage is unconscious choice, programming, and prejudice.
If you accept what I hypothesize in the first paragraph about millions of errant communications, follow me while I tell you how to make a positive dent in that number. Let's talk today about speaking, not listening.
As a speaker, how much care should I take with my words and the delivery of those words?
Is it manipulation to anticipate the prejudices of my listener and craft my message around those prejudices?
Can I do that and be authentic?
Am I able to think before I speak and stay in the moment?
Why can't I just say what's on my mind if I am speaking my truth?
When I offer people one of the most important tenets of NLP, "You are responsible for the results of your communication", these are some of the questions that come up.
BUT – if we agree that miscommunication abounds, isn't it imperative to take that responsibility?
Listen, it is certainly easier to walk away from a difficult conversation grumbling about how misunderstood or the cognitive impairment of the person to whom I was speaking, but where does that leave me? It leaves me in the land of the misunderstood. It leaves me with a bad impression of my conversational partner and them with a bad impression of me. How much good is getting done in the aftermath of errant communication? How many seeds of bad-will will do I want to plant? I know folks who, without regard for this, now live in jungles of their own making and need to walk through life with a machete and a torch to get anywhere.
I've often adopted Viktor Frankl's notion that the pause between thought and speech defines us. I'd rather take a beat, consider my listener, and craft the kindest version of what I need to impart than to plant even a single poisonous seed.
Of course, that isn't possible. Regardless of the care I take, there will be times when people misunderstand me. That is why taking responsibility for the result of my communication is so important. It means that regardless of how I may believe I delivered my message, I now only care about how it is received and recraft it as often as needed until it lands the way I want.
Going back to the questions people ask when I talk about thinking about what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, they are all valid, and just like driving wasn't automatic when I was 15, mastering communication is clumsy at the start. Over time, though, I learned to brake automatically when I saw a squirrel dart into the road, rather than the conscious braking I did at 15.
Practice this. Think about the listener. Think about the words you use, your vocal inflection, and your body posture. Practice and get better.
This is getting long, so let me put a pin in it and cover more next week. For now, be conscious of that space between thought and speech and think about how the listener is more likely to hear your message rather than how you'd like to say it.
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