#1215 Finding Nemo - or You
TODAY IS DEDICATED TO MY BEAUTIFUL CHRISTINE
Dr. Charles Horton Cooley said, "I'm not who I think I am, and I'm not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am."
This became known as the looking-glass theory of self, which explores how our sense of self is shaped by how we perceive others' views of us.
I disagree…somewhat.
I don't disagree that many people define themselves this way, but this shouldn't be the main source of their self-definition.
I like the idea of gathering data about my ability to communicate who I am by looking at the collective reactions and scuttlebutt of the world in which I present myself. However, that gathering of data is not to define myself, only to see whether I am successful in sharing with the world who I know I am.
The unexamined life, as I have often quoted, is not worth living.
That examination, though, is internal.
The looking-glass self certainly exists, but shouldn't be confused with the authentic self.
I want to think that the face I bring to the world each day is my true face, but it's not. The face I bring is colored by so many things, like health, sleep, familial and occupational circumstances.
The reactions I get to my face are influenced by the face I bring, the moment in which I bring it, and the circumstances and surroundings of those I bring it to. To take that self and call it my definition of self is like creating a Frankenstein. It's replacing me with a dispirited parts harvested from the judgment of the conditional, flawed feedback of a cast of characters who have their own axes to grind.
Instead, I want to regularly ask myself what I stand for and what I stand against; what I value, what I eschew, and all the various shades of those things in between. What principles do I want to guide me on my way?
Then I want to ask myself if I behave in a way that aligns with these values and principles.
The idea of the looking glass shouldn't be the definition of self, but instead a glimpse of the emerging form our chisel and file can continue to carve and smooth.
This all might be getting too heady for this column. (I know I sometimes get carried away!)
The point is to understand yourself and engage in the thinking that allows you to do so.
The looking glass self is lazy. It only accounts for the feedback, not the cultivation and constant curation of one's search for meaning.
Some parts of you are baked in. There are genetic factors at work that one may be able to shroud, but they are always there, behind the curtain.
What I'm emphasizing in this idea of defining oneself is the exercise of defining oneself.
Have you taken the time to think about who you are and what makes you deviate from who you are? Doing this weaves the ropes that will lash you to the helm despite the various siren songs trying to pull you off course.
Personal mission workshops are an excellent tool for self-excavation but short of that, one of my favorite exercises to hone my sense of self is something I call
The Big Six.
I use this with all of my coaching clients. The big six is actually a pair of sixes. Six things that need to happen each day for me to have had a great day, and six that need to happen before I die for me to go to my grave satisfied.
I have my Big Six prominently displayed on my planning pages. When I write my lists for appointments, to-dos, and activities for the month, week, or day, my big six are listed first. They are a constant reminder of what I value, despite urgent events that often interrupt it.
Here is what I suggest: find a quiet place and think about your big six (or three or five or whatever number works for you)
What needs to happen each day for you to lay your head on the pillow peacefully, knowing that it was a good day?
Similarly, what kinds of things need to be in place for you to have had a good life? Spend some time on that list, too.
John Dresden said, "We make our habits, and then they make us." Habits are nothing more than thoughts that lead to consistent behaviors, so shouldn't we spend some time on those thoughts?
When I was in the second grade, the teacher told me I had difficulty with spelling. I internalized her label and defined myself as a poor speller for the rest of my life. What would my view of my spelling self be had that encounter never happened? How many looking glass labels have you incorporated into your persona?
Little 7-year-old Frankie didn't have the tools to challenge the words of an authority figure, but we do and should. As I said in my motto several years ago, "A good life is always inside out."
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