Emotion changes everything
I have learned many communication techniques through my study of NLP and my continued interest and research in the years since. I think I have gotten better at facilitating conversations by listening well and tuning into the non-verbal messages that training has heightened my awareness of. Still, I have to distinguish that true mastery is the ability to perform during times of heightened emotions.
We've all been there. You're having a perfectly reasonable conversation with a colleague, a customer, a friend, or even a family member. Suddenly, something changes. A comment lands the wrong way. Someone becomes defensive. Voices get louder. Body language changes. And we’re off to the races!
Here's something I've learned through years of studying communication and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP): You don't have to control the other person's emotions to influence the direction of a conversation. You have to learn to control yourself.
Simple…NOT easy
One of the foundational principles of NLP is that communication is about more than the words we use. It's about tone, pace, physiology, and the emotional state we bring to an interaction. And when emotions begin to escalate, those things become even more important.
Consider this situation.
Imagine a small business meeting where a manager is discussing a missed deadline. One employee immediately becomes defensive.
"Well, if I had gotten the information I needed from logistics, this wouldn't have happened."
The logistics person pipes up, in a shrill tone, “I can’t give you information I can’t get from the supplier, and I TOLD YOU THAT TWO WEEKS AGO!
The blaming employee raises their voice. The manager raises their voice in return. Within minutes, the discussion shifts from what to do about missing the deadline to finger-pointing and defensive posturing.
Now imagine a different approach.
The manager pauses, lowers his voice slightly, and says, "I can see this has been frustrating. Let's take a step back. I want to understand what happened, because I think we all want the same outcome. We all want to get back on track and satisfy the client.
Nothing magical happened. The problem hasn't disappeared. But the manager changed the emotional temperature of the conversation.
That's leadership through communication.
There are three NLP-based techniques worth practicing when a conversation starts heading in the wrong direction.
1. Match, Pace, and Lead.
People are more likely to listen when they feel understood. If someone is speaking quickly and passionately, immediately responding with a slow, overly measured lecture may create more resistance. First, acknowledge their emotional state. Then gradually adjust your own tone, pace, and energy to lead the conversation toward a calmer place. Sometimes it is as simple as identifying their state. It’s never an accusation like “You’re too defensive!” It is an identification like, “You sound frustrated.”
2. Change physiology.
Emotion and physiology are connected. Pay attention to your posture, breathing, facial expression, and voice. Take a breath. Relax your shoulders. Slow down. You may not be able to change someone else's emotional state immediately, but you can avoid contributing to its escalation.
3. Change the question.
When people become emotional, they often get stuck defending what happened. A better question can move the conversation from blame to possibility.
Instead of asking, "Who's responsible for this?" try asking, "What would a good outcome look like from here? What do you think we can do now to salvage this? Tell me what you need from me to get it on track.”
The words we choose, along with our body language and tone, can change the direction of a conversation.
Here's the point: In a one-on-one conversation or a small group, the person who speaks loudest doesn't have the most influence. The person who recognizes what's happening emotionally and has the discipline not to get pulled into it does.
You don't win every conversation by winning the argument. Sometimes you win by keeping the conversation productive enough for everyone to move forward.
The next time emotions threaten to take a conversation off the rails, remember this: You may not be able to control the other person's reaction, but you always have a choice about what you contribute to it.
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